I walked into the room, it was a hallway lined with Dragon statues and I knew who I would have to face: The Legendary Dragon Master himself, Trainer Andrew ♂! Wait, what? There he was, atop of a raised platform donning a cape and with his hair pushed up. He looked down at me with a grimace but quickly changed to a smile and he greeted me warmly.
“Hi Purple!”, said Trainer Andrew ♂.
Of course, Trainer Andrew ♂ was the final member of the Elite Four, everything made sense now.
“So, how have you been Purple?”
“Oh... pretty good. I cut my dick off.”
“I read about that, I always thought the healing machines were capable of processing humans! Did you read my posts on the blog?”
“Oh yeah, I didn't like the story that much but it sounded very pretty.”
“That actually happened you ass! Go Pinsir! Destroy him!”
And out it came! I sent out Garfunkel to defend me but before I could issue a command, I caught a glimpse of his Pinsir. It was so pretty, shiny even. I didn't have the heart to tell Garfunkel to roast it alive (but I hoped he would figure out that I wanted him to), but before he could piece it together Trainer Andrew ♂ yelled something silly and his Pinsir fired a MURDERBEAM at Garfunkel. The beam took Garfunkel out of commission but luckily I had a plan: I sent out The Scrambler and had him stomp Pinsir as he is a bug and stomping type moves are super effective against bugs. It was really easy because Pinsir didn't move at all (its like it was recharging or something).
Trainer Andrew ♂ then sent out a Fearow and I knew I was in danger: Flying type attacks are strong against Tree type pokemon because birds live in trees. Damn, how could I forget something as simple as that, stupid! Stupid Purple! As I was formulating a plan to make The Scrambler look less like a tree, Fearow fired off another MURDERBEAM, which ko'd The Scrambler. He keeps using that move, clearly he is a master strategist! I sent out Koff Koff and had him finish off the Fearow with a thunderbolt while it was lying on the ground (Note to Trainer Andrew ♂: Please let your pokemon sleep before the match so they do not take a nap after attacking. Thank you for your time.).
“You've done well to best all of my pokemon, but do you think you have the skill to defeat the most magnificent creature on the planet? Go Lickitung!”
For some reason, Trainer Andrew ♂'s Lickitung looked more attractive than any Lickitung I've ever seen (judging by her hips, she had had a baby AND STILL looked that good! Dayum!). Trainer Andrew ♂ looked at her dreamily and she returned the gaze, I think I may be in the wrong place. Before I could avert my attention back to the battle, Trainer Andrew ♂ caught on that I had broken into their moment and retaliated with an attack from his sweet. Her tail (which did look awfully Dragon-y at the moment) smacked Koff Koff right in the face, which pissed him off enough to puke on her use Sludge Bomb. She looked hurt and I figured I could take her out with one more attack.
“Wait no! It's uh... my turn! I get to heal Lickitung”, said Trainer Andrew ♂ as he rushed over to his girlfriend with a Full Restore.
“We get turns?”
“Oh yeah, if you made it this far you MUST know about turns!”
“Of course I know about turns! I'm like a... Turn Master!”
“Yes you are, and I'll be using my turn to heal Lickitung!”
“Okay, when is it going to be my turn?"
“Oh, don't worry about it, I'll tell you when your turn is”
“You are so nice Trainer Andrew ♂! I love you!”
“Yeah I am!”
Then the battle started again. Koff Koff flew around the room blasting Sludge and Darkness at the Lickitung and she fired off those MURDERBEAMS, waved her Dragon Tail around, and slapped Koff Koff with her tongue (when she did that, Andrew frowned). Koff Koff was pretty tired and I was afraid he would go down soon so I commanded him to use Pain Split. I haven't used it yet because it seemed like a sissy move because it didn't hurt the enemy by blasting them with puke an attack. In that moment I saw the Large Tongued Creature (Sorry Trainer Andrew ♂, but that's all I see in her) gather energy around her mouth and I knew she was preparing a MURDERBEAM so I told Koff Koff to do the same.
Both pokemon erupted with magnificent splendor as the beams fired across the room to meet their target. Upon making contact, both Koff Koff and Lickitung fainted. I reached for a pokeball, but I wanted to know what Trainer Andrew ♂ was going to use first.
“Hey... Hey Trainer Andrew ♂! Throw out your next guy!”
“That was my last one!”
“Oh. This is a 6 on 6 match though.”
“What? FUCK! FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK-”, he carried on like that for awhile.
I suppose that means I win. Oh wait, I win! I'm the champion of the Pokemon League now! I am the bestest-
“Oh no, there's another guy.”, said Trainer Andrew ♂.
“What?”
“
Well then, I suppose I must face the secret fifth member of the Elite Four (DERP ELITE FIVE DERP DERP). But for now, I sleep.
Catch You Later!
Purple Gitimall
P.S: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
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