I walked into the Gym and loudly declared I was going to battle the Gym Leader. The Gym had completely changed from the last time I was here, the Gym was now 1 large open room with a balcony looking down upon the door. Unlike that asshole Flint (the assholery must run in the blood), the Gym Leader immediately accepted my challenge and introduced himself. His name was Giovanni and he was not the leader of Team Rocket (because it would be ridiculous if he was, so he is not) and that the creature next to him didn't exist and was only a figment of my imagination (he must be really smart to know when I am hallucinating). Upon seeing my arm he chuckled and asked if I really wanted to battle with “that bloodied up, twig of an arm”, to which I responded by flailing it out of the sling so it would get blood all over his clean floor. He shrugged and yelled off into the distance for the monitoring equipment to be turned on.
He informed me that this would be a 3 on 3 match, and with that, the battle begun. He tossed out his first pokemon, a Nidoqueen. Pfft women. I figured I would at least allow Koff Koff to fight her so that she would at least be treated like a lady. The Queen started firing Thunder out of its horn towards Koff Koff. Silly woman, Koff Koff knows how to avoid electrical lines. Koff Koff followed up by blasting her with puke. He has a way with the ladies. In that moment of weakness (trying to clean puke of her face), Koff Koff hit her with a SUPER TACKLE (its totally an attack) which knocked her head into the wall, rendering her unconscious.
Giovanni laughed and complimented me on my underhanded battling tactics. There are rules to pokemon battles? He then threw out a Rhydon. Ha! I've fought one of these before, I have the advantage! Granted, when I fought it it killed my pokemon, but the advantage is still mine! He started doing some silly cliche' horn attack, but couldn't hit Koff Koff and on top of that, he couldn't harm Koff Koff with his powerful ground moves because Koff Koff levitates! The Rhydon responded by grabbing a piece of the floor and throwing it at Koff Koff. Guess that counts as an Ground move, because Koff Koff passed out.
I laughed and figured this was a perfect time to test out my brand new pokemon! Go, Missle! Blainedamn, Missile looks hardcore. This fucking Pikachu with his fucking red cheeks and sleek fucking yellow color was fucking fucking! Rhydon gave Missile a Mean Look, causing him to pass out. I didn't think that attack could do any damage though...
I was down to my last pokemon! I had to choose the pokemon I had the most faith in, but since Koff Koff was fainted, I just grabbed a ball and threw it out. The Scrambler came out! I always had so much faith in you! Luckily a window was open and Solarbeam fired off pretty quickly and the Rhydon was only able to get in about 45 seconds of body blows, which obviously wouldn't hurt him at all. The Solarbeam really hurt the Rhydon though, because it blew a hole straight through its chest (which made it faint).
Giovanni informed me that the battle was now over, which was confusing because he hadn't sent out his pokemon yet. He dropped the ball and out came a Nidoking, who instantly charged at The Scrambler. Once he got close enough he started stabbing him with his poison horn. Oooooh, he said that to be a jerk because he knew he would win soon. Clever.
Well nuts, I had been defeated. As I started to lank away from the Gym, Giovanni called for me. He asked me if I would like to help him test his new plaything. I was about to tell him to shove it, when he told me he would give me the badge for doing so. Hey, I'll sell my dignity away for stuff, that's why I took that prostitution gig back when I was 12. The world flashed black for a moment and I heard a familiar tune (Da na na na na, na na), and all my pokemon were healed! He told the armored figment of my imagination to float down (MENACINGLY) to the battlefield. So if I fight this thing, I get a badge? That's cool! I threw out Garfunkel and commanded him to take out this “Mewtwo”, as Giovanni called it. The flames danced around Mewtwo, but couldn't touch it. The creature laughed and spoke inside my head! “If you play with fire, you're going to get burned.”, as he bounced it back burning Garfunkel. Fire is super effective even against itself! Such power! I sent out Koff Koff and figured the same tactic that I used on Nidoqueen would work on this guy. Upon Sludge Bombing, the creature laughed again informing me that “Psychic was super effective against Poison”. What's Psychic- oh its the mind beam he shot at Koff Koff.
Koff Koff was hurt, real bad. Nobody does this to my pokemon, not even me (unless I'm feeling really ballsy). I threw out the pokeball containing Blue Screen and watched the madness unfold. I heard multiple machines short circuit and catch fire. Parts of Mewtwo's armor released lightning and fell off, while Mewtwo grabbed his head and writhed in pain. It started blasting the room with mind beams and Giovanni started yelling. I guess he wants me to leave. I gave him a “I don't understand what you're saying Seńor” look and commanded Blue Screen to Sky Attack Mewtwo. Upon doing this, the building started to shake (I broke your stupid Shit!). He threw the badge at me and it landed on my eye. Good thing I was blinking or I would be blind.
I walked out of the Gym and looked up to the sky. I was victorious. As I stared into the sun, I noticed the Green Penis from the other day. It touched down right in front of me and growled at me.
“Raaaaaaayquaaaaaaazaaaaa!”
I instantly passed out from the sheer power of its roar.
Catch You Later.
Purple Gitimall
P.S: Yes, I typed this while unconscious. WHATCHA GONNA DO ABOUT IT?
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