Gent Trainer Andrew ♂, Johto Day 30: A Whole Mess of Liars

These kids that come by seeking a guide are all brainless, wasted curds of flesh and bone who shouldn’t be allowed outside for fear of running into a Whiscash and insulting its intelligence.  Given the chance, I would be glad to slowly peel of their skin and stick shards of glass in their orifices.  Some kid today wouldn’t stop nibbling on his Hoothoot.  Pokémon are friends, not food!  Get that through your skull to the tiny bit of active nerve which, at this point, probably doesn’t do much besides hold your anus tight enough so that you don’t begin shitting yourself while having food ladled into your mouth.  Are 37^th trimester abortions legal yet?

Anyway, so Lickitung and Espeon went off to go do female things (I couldn’t care less), so I was stuck with Umbreon all day.  Neither of these little bastards ever wants to go into their pokéballs, so I’m stuck having to haul them around.  Espeon didn’t even want to leave me alone with Umbreon, like I can’t handle myself or something.  I made Lickitung lick the thing into paralysis and then forced her to take it away.  Good riddance.  It’s not like Umbreon is even so bad.  Eventually I stopped feeling on edge around him, and we were like two Magnemites in a Magneton (that metaphor sounds confused for some reason). 

Umbreon and I were doing some exploring up Route 30, where we found a Hoppip and I had him use Confuse Ray on it until it broke its own legs.  After that it was more like a Limpip (screw you, I’m hilarious).  Going deeper in, we managed to find this little cabin tucked deep in the woods.  Deciding to go in, we found this old guy named Mr. Pokémon.  I don’t have the best luck with people who are named Mr. so I was a little cautious. 

Umbreon sat on my lap while he greeted us and gave us food.  Too bad it tasted horrible, and I told him so after spitting it into one of his potted plants.  He laughed it off like the farting, ancient dustbin without enough gumption to hold an erection without a little boy around that he so clearly is, and asked if I wanted to see something interesting.  I should have just left right there because all he came back with was two glowing orbs, one red, one blue.  But when I wanted to hold one, he said that they weren’t for me.  Suck a chode you old pissdrinker.  I would leave my pubic hairs in your coffee, but you probably get off to that. 

I got up and went out immediately, unable to stand another second around that asshole.  He probably feels really special, being out here all alone, jerking off in his little cabin.  It’s doubtful he could even handle normal society. 

Somebody should teach this guy a lesson.

Well, now I’m sitting along the route writing this while Umbreon sits close by.  There’s a Ledybra a few yards over, so I’m debating how to break the bones of something with an exoskeleton.  Oh well, you know what they say: practice makes perfect.

In the name of science,
Gent Trainer Andrew ♂

Cyan, Johto Day 29: Well, I'm Back to the Old- THUD

Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t love Johto (I don’t) and I’d rather shiv myself than be here (I would), although I am back in New Bark Town. Why? This is gonna be good.

Well, I had defeated that bird jerk and got my first badge, and I was feelin’ pretty good about myself! That was, until I was brutally knocked out. I don’t know who did it, but when I came to, I was in the back of a truck. I don’t know how this keeps happening. I mean, I wake up in the weirdest places.

A few days later, the truck stopped and I got out (whoever kidnapped me did NOT do that great of a job) to find myself in the middle of Cherrygrove, where my iPokedexphone went off. Picking it up, I heard Professor Elm, who would not let me talk (bald bastard) insisting I come to his laboratory.

A few more days passed, and I didn’t do much. Just kind of sat around, pigged out on some food, scratched myself until I decided to finally go walking. I went back to New Bark Town and stopped by the laboratory.

Professor Elm thanked me for coming with such great haste (really?) and then proceeded to tell me he had an egg for me. Handing it to me, he told me that I needed to walk with it as much as I possibly could. I shook it a couple of times, and even chucked it at a wall. The thing would just not break at all!

So, now I’m back in New Bark until- Oh boy, not again. Down I go.

Cyan Gitors

Pink Joy, Day 29: Decisions!

So... I don't know which one to pick.

Here's a bad picture book I did of what happened today.

I still don't know.

Help.

Nurse Pink Joy McQueen - Patient 4815162342

Pink Joy, Day 28: Return of the Joy-I

I am alive!  Aliiiiivvvveeee!  I have spent a long time in hospital due to drowning, broken bones, and genetic meltdown.  I'm not sure how well I am since they wouldn't tell me, nor would they let me outside of my four-walled cushion room where I had to wear a straight jacket.  It wasn't ever straight really.

Well now, I managed to escape by the art of lying.  It really worked.  I tricked a doctor into thinking that machines were going to take over the world in the future with a company named Seanet.

Then I stole my Pokémon and ran away.

This is a picture of me being mysterious. Would you like to see more pictures?

Presently, I'm in some place called New Bark Town.  Apparently, I can choose a Pokémon here from a selection of three if I lie and tell them I am a new trainer.

But… what Pokémon should I start with?

Cyndaquil?

Chikorita?

Or Totodile?

I may need help with this decision.

Nurse Pink Joy McQueen - Patient 4815162342

Purple Gitimall, Johto Day 28: The Tale Of How I Cheated Myself Of An Adventure

"Will I ever see you again Ray Ray?" I asked the dragon.

"Probably, I follow you around everywhere, but you don't know that." Rayquaza responded.

"Oh, okay."

After he "left", I scanned my surroundings. Rayquaza had dropped me off in front of Union Cave. But to my dismay, he left me on the wrong side! I am on the other side of the cave but I did not cross through it! I am a dirty cheater! I have failed myself. I have failed my Pokemon. But worse of all, I have failed you, the beautiful people who take the time to read of our adventures (or should I say the others adventures and my AWFULTURES).

I am the worst pokemon trainer....

I hate me....

WHY AM I ALLOWED TO LIVE IN SUCH A BEAUTIFUL LAND!

Please dear readers of my pitiful journeys, tell me how awful I am. I am a failure to all and I deserve the worst.

Here I walk into the exit of Union Cave, a place that admits a light that gives hope of victory to true travelers, yet all I see is accusations of my personal misgivings. There a gentle Sandshrew scratches upon the earth. I kick it, cutting it open with a knife so I may consume it's innards. I am soiled.


I Will End It Tonight.Purple Gitimall, The Failure

Gent Trainer Andrew ♂, Johto Day 28: The Good, the Bad, and the Eevee

Today started out so normal too.  I’d just gotten off of a long shift, which had run late because a new trainer kept making me repeat my speech about walking at least 27 times, and afterwards just stared at me for half an hour with a blank face.  These kids are starting to get on my nerves.

But I was free for the evening, so I decided that I might as well take Eevee out for a light romp north of Cherrygrove City.  Lickitung and I watched peacefully on a grassy knoll as the shy little pokémon sniffed around an apricorn tree.  We stayed out there for a few hours with the happy scamp, enjoying the gentle breeze and watching the sun slowly fade beyond the horizon. 

Then, just as early twilight hit (you know, when it’s not really day or night), a wild Aipom leaped out of the tall grass and dashed towards Eevee.  I’m not sure about this, but I’m pretty sure it made eye contact with me for a second.  Lickitung took a step forward to do something, but I put up a hand to hold her back.  I wanted to see what Eevee would do.  The Aipom reached out its tail to grab at Eevee, but the little brown beast hit it with a Tackle straight to its stomach, sending it flying away. 

Running down to go and hug Eevee for doing such a good job, it suddenly began to glow all white. 

“What?” I thought to myself, “EEVEE is evolving!”  Nouns have all capital letters in my head, I’ve just learned not to write them down that way. 

But something weird happened.  Instead of turning into one new pokémon, Eevee split into two.  When the light died down, there stood before me an Espeon and an Umbreon.  Lickitung stared up at me with a raised eyebrow, but I could only respond with a shrug.

I think I might have broken something.  I can’t remember ever hearing anything about evolving pokémon multiplying like this. 

Before I could do anything, Espeon walked over to me and began rubbing her head on my pant leg.  I stuck out a hand to Umbreon, but he turned his head away and stuck his nose in the air.  Espeon looked up at me with big, sad eyes, and I felt a warm feeling all over my body.  Trotting away, she began chasing her tail. 

As soon as the one had left, Umbreon approached, although slowly, cautiously.  He stared at me with those blood red eyes and I felt my extremities turn numb.  There’s something not right about this thing, it’s so… dark.  Lickitung pulled on my hand when he looked at me, but I ignored her.  He’s my pokémon, and thusly my responsibility to care for him.

Anyway, since I consider it rude to put pokémon into their balls just after they’ve evolved, I let them stretch their legs and walk back home with me.  Espeon jumped onto my right shoulder, and Umbreon quickly mirrored her.  This isn’t so bad, at least the auras I get from these two cancel out when they’re both so close. 

Feeling fairly ‘meh’,
Gent Trainer Andrew ♂

P.S. Actually, that was a terrible idea to have them on my shoulders, these things are like 50 lbs each.

Purple Gitimall, Johto Day 27: The Tale Of How I Am Returning To Society

So after lying low with Rayquaza, and attempting to treat the wounds Ray Ray recieved (Note to self: Hitting Rayquaza with a rock does not fiz him), I think we may be ready to go back to our daily lives.
After being here for the longest 4 days of my life, I can say that I am going to miss this place. All of the hail, the extremely violent pokemon, and this giant rash I contracted from a Tangela's Powerwhip conviently placed Pokemon Center. Yup. I will miss it.

I ran out of magic capture balls while I was here but I managed to catch the coolest Pokemon ever (Sorry Koff Koff)! It's a Quagsire! His name is Giggles! I swapped up my team a bit, so The Scrambler has been sent into the digital realm of captivity. I put him in a box with trees for a background! As far as I know he really likes trees!

Well Ray Ray says he is ready to fly and is going to drop me off by Union Cave and return to the Sky Pillar (as far as I know, ohohohoho). It's a shame I didn't get to explore more. I saw some red guy who looked pretty important a few times. I didn't get his name, so I'll just call him Red. Next time I come here, I plan to fight him (or capture him if he turns out to be a secret pokemon guy). Well we're taking off now, so I'll see you guys soon!


Catch You Later!
Purple Gitimall

Gent Trainer Andrew ♂, Johto Day 26: The Saddest Are These

Those faces.  They looked so alive, yet never moved.  All they could do was stare off into the distance, glassy eyed, mouths agape.  I haven’t been able to get those images out of my head. 

It took me a while, but managed to travel south, and am now in some nice town called Cherrygrove City.  That is a lovely name: Cherrygrove.

All the people are very warm and accommodating, so I managed to find a job in no time flat.  I work as a Guide Gent, (thus the title, which I like enough to keep) and to pass the test and receive certification is amazingly easy.  And I’m not tooting my own horn on this one.  One of the questions was: Do you have the ability to locate and shop in a Poké Mart?  The sad thing is that I have to teach people how to do these things.  But the pay is steady and I got some really cool shoes; I can even run in them, which I never could do before because I didn’t want to bend, and thusly crease, my nice loafers. 

There are a surprising amount of people who come into this city completely unaware of how to do anything, all from New Bark Town.  I don’t think the New Bark Town educational system is doing its job if the people there have never been in a Pokémon Center before.  I’m surprised a few of them can even eat.

More interestingly though, I’ve been debating what I should do with my Eevee.  I obviously just can’t leave it as it is (what would people think?), and so I must pick an evolution for the poor thing.  The thing is I can’t decide.  All of its evolutions are just so… not normal, if that makes sense. 

So feel free to comment and tell me what you think I should do with my little Eevee.

Traumatized forever,

Gent Trainer Andrew ♂

Purple, Johto Day 23: The Tale Of How I Met And Ran From Cult Members

Fear kept me from leaving the pokemon center. This is exactly what Slendergar wants, me huddled under the Nurse Joy's desk in fear (and she keeps yelling for security, doesn't she know she will only attract the attention of Slendergar?), when if he wanted to use Absorb, Mega Drain, and/or Giga Drain on me he could do it at any time he pleases with no resistance. If I am going to die (?), then I am going to go out fighting. Or at least in view of that guy selling Slowpoke Tails (he asked me if I was a cop, I think he is undercover ad trying to find his friends).

Upon exiting the Pokemon Center, lighting stuck several times around me, clouds tumbled down from the sky forming a vortex around me, and it felt if the Air had been Locked (it doesn't make sense to me either). All of my fear dissipated immediately as a large green dragon ranging within the humongous to fucking giant height range, detailed with circular tribal markings, that makes a noise similar to "MAI PLAZA" descended from the sky. I was afraid though because it was my buddy Rayquaza!

“I am very surprised to see you here Ray Ray!”

“I am too!”

“Woah.”

“Yeah. Hey, I hear I have a cult! Wanna go check it out?”

Instead of answering him, I mounted his face. That’s how I ride him. Through the sky.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeokay we're here.

Blackthorn City, home of the last Gym in Johto (or at least it would be the last if I were to arrange them in a chronological order of how they should be challenged), and also home of the Raycultza, as I assume its called. Rayquaza explained to me that it consisted of a bunch of Dragon Tamers who believed Rayquaza would take them to the moon if they commuted Suicune.

“I don't really understand why they would believe if they managed to get Suicune to move I would take them to the moon. I mean, I CAN take them to the moon, but Suicune literally has nothing to do with me. I mean, it would make a nice girl and all if we Legendaries had genders, but I am approximately 23 feet long and Suicune is just a tad shy of 7 foot. I wouldn;t be able to stick my penis in her, if either of us had reproductive organs. You know what I'm saying.”

“Dude, your like a pokemon and I understand what you are saying.”

“Woah.”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe I should take them up to the moon! It's the least I could do to reward them for being such a good cult.”

So all we have to do is round them up on Rayquaza's back, and then fly them to the moon (maybe swing about the stars on the way back (my editor tells me that stars are actually much farther away than the moon (thanks a lot for ruining my joke (Wait, I don't have an editor))). The perfect plan.

OHMYGOD. OHMYGOD. LOTSODEADGUYS (and girls). Oh it's Trainer Andrew ♂. AHHHHHH. DEADTHINGS. AH, ONE OF THEM IS GETTING UP. I'LL STAB IT.

Oh. Rayquaza informed me that he was just trying to clean up some of the bodies. Oh well, no one will notice an extra body. Uh oh, one noticed it. And by one I mean three. Guess I outta run.

So now I am flying over Johto on Rayquaza, with Clair on her Dragonite and Lance on his Gyarados. I didn't know those things could actually fly. I will spare you some time and just tell you that it was an amazing chase scene that could bankrupt the biggest high-budget movie. Lance was saying something about handing Rayquaza over to them and I think Clair wanted a slab returned (It was hard to hear her over the sound of her silly costume).

…

Rayquaza was hurt trying to escape them (they blamed me when Lance's Gyarados's Hyper Beam hit Ray Ray!) and now we're hiding out in a mountain. It's really silver here.

Catch You Later.

Purple Gitimall

Trainer Andrew ♂, Johto Day 23: Where Dragons Dare

There are dead bodies everywhere!  Their mouths are agape like Magikarp sucking air, and they all arranged themselves neatly along the wall of the cave.  This is horrible, just horrible I tell you!  I mean- how could you even do this to yourself?  Why!?

I come out of the bathroom with Lickitung waiting there for me, and then we round the corner and BAM: death. 

I had to poke one to check.  They’re dead, definitely dead.  I need to sit down, this is too awful.  Over near the edge is that nice elderly gentleman that gave me a Dratini too.  I definitely can’t return it now, that’s for sure.  What kind of weirdo cult was Lance apart of!?  I mean, I’ve heard of doing crazy stuff for your ceremonies, but mass suicide!?  And by drinking punch of all things!

At least Lance and Clair, who is the gym leader here, managed to survive.  I sent them upstairs to get my backpack, which I realized I had left at the entrance to the cave.  They seemed really disappointed when they saw all the bodies lined up.  Did they know about this?  Lance always seemed like such a calm, collected guy, but when he came down all he could do was moan and cry about how he would never get to the moon now.  I am DONE with him.  He’s far gone, insane, flown the coop, dropped the bomb, is a pure, uncut lunatic. 

What’s worse than him going all crazy is that now he won’t show me out of the cave!  I have had quite enough of these “caves” for a while.  Nothing good ever seems to happen in them for me.  I’ll have to just crawl my way out, who cares if I get lost, and anything is better than spending a second near these psyducks! 

I need a shower, or a bath, or something, anything.  I feel dirty all over. 

Those bodies though, who’s going to clean them up…

Seriously!  What was that!?  AAAAAUUUUGH

I must be bad luck or something, people keep dying around me.

Trainer Andrew ♂

Purple, Johto Day 22: The Tale Of How I Realized I Needed To Get My Butt In Gear

Oh man guys, I gotta apologize for the lack of posts lately. For some reason it seems that being in Johto has made me really bad at the whole living facade I put on. Oh wait, no, I am actually alive, that was a complete lie. Seeing as I just got over my 3 day Anime and Ramen binge, I think I will continue my Pokeblog Adventure!

See how I worked the name of the blog into the post? I thought that was really clever.

Anyways I need to go down to Azalea Town if I am to get my next badge, and there is a certain location I want to see there. Oh how I cannot wait to see that certain place, but for now I must traverse this route leading to union cave which connects to Azalea. The trainers were no match for me (Pearl even evolved into a beautiful flower! (No really, I'm serious, she is a beautiful Sunflora now.)), although they did give me some distressing news: Apparently I am being followed a large green dragon ranging within the humongous to fucking giant height range, detailed with circular tribal markings, that makes a noise similar to "MAI PLAZA". I wonder what it could be, I'm starting to worry because Eusine even warned me that he felt an ominous presence about me (Morty just flipped shit and started chucking Ultra balls at something (the nerve of some people)).

I gotta be careful from now on, what if I am being stalked by Slendergar?


Catch You Later!
Purple Gitimall

P.S: I'm very, very scared. :(

Trainer Andrew ♂, Johto Day 22: Into the Light

I finally escaped that wretched place!  And it was so simple all this time.  There was a massive pit in the middle of this room sheeted in ice, and I kept slipping into it and having to climb my way back out via another route.  It turned out that I had been going left, up, left, down, left, up, left, RIGHT, down, right, down.  Which is obviously all wrong, as I should have been going left, up, left, down, left, up, left, down, right, down, right.  How could I have been so stupid!?

Dragging my haggard frame from that icy tomb, I emerged into Blackthorn City, which, despite the giant icy cave right next door, is noticeably lacking ice.  While pondering the meteorological improbability of having such a closed-system temperature difference would have been a lot of fun, I was far too tired and hungry, my mouth still reeking of raw Delibird.  Going to the Pokémon Center, I stumbled inside and crashed out on the floor.

Awaking several hours later, and discouraging some Nurse Joys from looking at a few of my toes which had become a strange, black color, I sought out somebody to talk to who could explain to me this new, odd town.  Sitting down for dinner in some old lady’s house (she didn’t seem to mind), I questioned her about the place.  She told me that Blackthorn City is famous for its Dragon Trainers, most notable Lance of the Elite Four. 

I laughed a bit, and told her that I had once replaced Lance in an Elite Four battle.  She looked confused, so I inquired as to why.

“Well,” she said “that’s not what he told me.”  At that, she called upstairs.  Then, who should emerge but my old friend Lance!

Running over to hug me, though I’ve told him I’m not one for physical contact, he was elated at seeing me again, as he had assumed I’d died on the S.S. Anne.  Slapping me heartily on the back, he beckoned me upstairs.  He explained that the old woman downstairs was him mother, and that he had come back to his hometown to try and get his life in order. 

Apparently the whole incident at the Indigo Plateau had shown him that he really hadn’t gotten over the problems of his past.  But everything changed when he was drawn in by this gathering of people called the Rayquazians, who told him that the legendary pokémon Rayquaza was going to come down from his moon base at the next equinox to take all the true believers to live with him there. 

I told him that I knew somebody who had met Rayquaza, but he dismissed it.  I also wanted to know how they would be able to live or breathe on the moon, but none of my questions seemed to even faze him.  Then he wanted to give me some literature which, he said, would explain everything.  But I’m already a Celebite, so I passed on his offer. 

While that didn’t make him too happy, he did offer me a chance to see his little religious group at a ceremony they had coming up.  It was almost the equinox, and all Rayquazians from across Johto were going to meet in Blackthorn City’s Dragon Den to celebrate their ascension into space. 

I don’t have anything to do, so I accepted his offer kindly. 

It’s fun to learn about new cultures,
Trainer Andrew ♂

Trainer Andrew ♂, Johto Day 20: The Ice Cave Cometh

It has been two days now.

Everything is the same color.  Navigation is hard.

Hungry, but food is scarce.

Killed and ate Delibird, tasted like pastrami.

Boulders move when I leave.

A racist-looking face stares out.  No, wait, it’s purple now.  I feel better.

I need help.  Save me.

Purple, Johto Day 19: The Tale Of How I Defeated The Bird Master

I made it to Violet City! And it only took me an entire day to wander down the route here! Okay, so it was only 24 squares away, but I had a severe case of Conveniently Falling Asleep For An Entire Day Disease. I am here now, and that is all that matters. Right?

Violet City is a pretty great place: Houses with the traditional silly shignles, a traditionally large Johtonese building honoring the Bellsprout Gods (I would like to announce that I am now a Bellhist, and not just because it's the traditional religion of Johto, but because the Bellsprout lord spoke to me in a dream), traditional pokemon trainer school, traditional Gym, and most importantly, the traditional ramen stands. I WAS BORN FOR THIS PLACE.

I figured taking a gander at the Gym wouldn't be bad for my pokemon, but before I did that, I would have to free them from their pokeballs. I cannot allow them to be trapped in the hellish inside of the capture device. With every pokemon I released, I smashed their according ball (except for Captain McFunRuiner AKA King Steven Bradley, I stomped his a little early teehee (the ass survived)). I could have sworn I heard Garfunkel say “Dude, we liked it in there”, but I've had an issue like this before, so I disregarded it completely. Now that all my pokemon were free I told them all to gather inside my backpack. I figure since my backpack has a seemingly finite amount of space that it should suffice as a home for my pokemon as well. On to the Gym!

“佳作魚屋には、ジムの頭の侍に私を指摘して喜ぶ.” I said.

“Huh?” responded the Gym Clerk.

“Honorable Advicemonger, would you please point me out to the head samurai of the gym?” I said again in disgust, how dare he not speak the tongue of his people!

“Oh, the Gym Leader. Falkner is over there Dude. He uses birds and shit, so yeah, get a rock or electric type or something.”

A rock or an electric type? What pokemon do I have on me?

Koff Koff the Weezing, The Scrambler the Exeggutor, Garfunkel the Magmar, Missile the Raichu, Captain McFunRuiner AKA King Steven Bradley the Slowkingbro, and Pearl H. Arbor the Sunkern.

I got this in the bag.

Falkner ranted for a little while about his Dad's prized bird pokemon, rather than his honor which kindof ticked me off a bit. Doesn't anybody in Johto know how to act?

“Falkner! You have brought disgrace upon my household! And for that, I have tracked you down so that we may do BATTLEARU! Bring the fight!” I yelled with my best Johtonese accent.

“Dude are you a racist or something-”, Falkner attempted to say but I had already sent out Missile who had fried his Pidgey.

For some reason, that happened so easily. It was like, my pokemon were way too powerful due to me fighting in another League. It's probably my imagination, but just incase I'll have Pearl fight this next one. Out came Pidgeotto, it didn't look too strong, but it was probably trying to fool me, the pidgey family is known for its deviousness (and for dying like bitches). I could feel the tension between Pearl and the Pidgeotto growing, and then without warning, the bird charged! Pearl was ready for it though, as she dodged it and then spat a Sludge Bomb on it, killing it instantly! Koff Koff taught the little girl well!

“Dude, you killed me pokemon. THAT'S HARDCORE!”

Yay! I have a badge! Time for a victory nap!

Catch You Later!

Purple Gitimall

Trainer Andrew ♂, Johto Day 18: On Ice!

After considering my environment, and weighing my options, I have come to the conclusion that I may have, MAY have, taken a wrong turn.  You see, I left Mahogany town all fine and dandy, and sort of lost myself wandering on a route.  Then, before I knew it, I was suddenly in some sort of arctic hell-scape.  I can’t seem to find the exit.  I’ll write more tomorrow.  It’s very cold in here.  Fingers numb.

I hate caves,

Trainer Andrew ♂

Trainer Andrew ♂, Johto Day 17: The Strong and the Week

This whole little adventure of being stalked by an insane killer has been just the most entertaining way to pass a week, but now I really must get back to Goldenrod.  I left my boss, the Name Rater, with the excuse that I wasn’t feeling well, and I expect him to have gotten extremely wary by this point.

Leaving the Fishing Guru’s house (untouched, to my knowledge), I happened upon a strange sight.  There was this boy standing not far from the house in the middle of the grass, just standing there and looking out.  Sure, there are many trainers that do this, but they are usually near others, for company.  But he was all by himself. He was very clearly not there last night, and I couldn’t fathom what he was doing. 

Going up to investigate, I greeted him.  He told me that his name was Wesley, Wesley of Wednesday to be specific.  For some reason he then gave me a “souvenir” (of just what, I’ll never be sure).  It is a nice little black strip of cloth called a Black Belt.  I told him he could keep it, seeing as I don’t have any fighting pokémon, but he wouldn’t respond to my questions.  He simply posed one of his own, wondering if I had met his brothers or sisters, or if I was simply lucky.

Lucky for what?  He was just standing there when I came out.  And why would I have to “find” these people?  Are they in hiding?  Perhaps they are all in peril of some sort.  But then why would he seem so congenial about it all?  What is this a souvenir of!?

I have a lot of questions, but very few answers.  Trekking back to Mahogany Town, I contacted the Jennys, telling them about the strange man.  They told me they would be out tomorrow to investigate.  Hopefully he is still there for questioning. 

Well, I suppose it’s time to head back to Goldenrod City.  Eastward ho!

This Black Belt does make a nice necktie,
Trainer Andrew ♂

Cyan, Johto Day 17: Wow, I Must Have Been Plowed...

Well, I awoke in the strange surroundings of Violet City today… In the nude. I mean, I’ve read every single on of Male’s posts, but I never thought getting so strung out on tails would be a bad idea. Looking through the pictures on my iPokeDexPhone, I must say, I obviously had a fun night… Also, I strangely took a lot of pictures of my Voltorbs and my Bellsprout. It’s strange…

After the embarrassingly nude walk to the Pokemon Center, I realized that I had two new Pokemon. I did not know if I had named them before, so I decided to do so now. HootHoot is now John Paul Jones and Poliwag is now known as Slappy. After realizing I had hurt JPJ so much, I decided to have it healed. While Nurse Joy healed my Pokemon, I had a lot of time (12 seconds) to think. Had I defeated Falkner? When my iPokeDex phone vibrated, I realized this was not the case. I had a call. Quickly answering it, the voice on the other line said that Falkner wished to do epic nude battle with me. Looking down and seeing I was already fit to go into battle, I set off!

Now, Violet City’s Gym is an odd one. There was many birds around. I never got it, but all I could hear was squawking. As a bird catcher approached me, saying I could not fight Falkner until I passed him, I sighed. Pointing at my crotch, I informed him that I had a nude fight to get to and I did not have time for his Taurosshittery. The man begged and finally I gave in.

Sending out James Franco, I destroyed both his birds in an instant. The man told me I was worthy, and I bowed to him and continued to stroll towards Falkner. As I reached him, Falkner grimaced. Obviously, he was not aware that my nudity was overwhelmingly better than his (that or he just realized he broke the law when he accepted my challenge) and he should concede. Either way, we broke out into battle.

Sending out James Franco yet again, I let his Pidgey think that it had a chance. It dodged and tackled, finally irritating James Franco. It burned Pidgey to a crisp, leaving nothing but (grilled) Pidgey breast on the battlefield. After that, Pidgeotto was let loose. I grinned and shook my Voltorbs. This man did not know who he was dealing with! I let Slappy go into glorious battle and ordered that he hypnotize Pidgeotto. It seemed like a good idea. Until Pidgeotto woke up, and beat Slappy to a pulp. Finally, I decided to let JPJ have a go in the bird war. As he put Pidgeotto to sleep, he scratched him right across his eyes. I win.

Pointing towards my Voltorbs, I demanded that I got my badge. Falkner agreed, and gave me the Zephyr badge! Woohoo! I am now a people in this messed up world of foreigners! Now, where did I leave my pants….

Cyan Gitors

Purple, Johto Day 16: The Tale Of How I Beat Up A Tree

Using my impeccable knowledge of everything Johto, I easily navigated myself down from Ecruteak City towards the fork that branches the road between Violet City and Goldenrod. Fun Fact: I know the geography of Johto better than Kanto (I don't remember where I lived there). Granted, the fork in the road is only a very small Route away (I would give you the actual measurement in Squares, but I don't want to embarrass you with my skills), but I know so much about Johto it hurts.

Alas! Upon coming to the fork, it appeared a tricky tree had taken root smack dab in the middle, blocking the path! And for some odd reason I couldn't CUT it (none of my pokemon know CUT, but I have a pretty nice knife (Had actually, the tree broke it (I hate you Tree)))! So I did the only logical thing: Climbed over the tree and made my way towards Goldenrod so I could get the squirt-bottle which would allow me to get rid of the tree (I know that it will work because I know all about Johto). Such a simple plan really.

Along my way I was tackled by the Namerater, who claimed the Pearl H. Arbor was an awful name for my Sunkern and he gave me a name change slip so I could change her name when “I stopped being a dumbass racist who supports bigotry and is a total jerk”. He must be from Sinnoh as no Jot would ever say anything so mean to me, their biggest fan. By the way, it's cool for me to call them Jots because I am so accepting of their culture. Yep.

Once I made my way back to the tree, I doused it with the Squirt-bottle which caused it to attack me! It turned out the devious tree was actually a Sudowoodo! I knew that guys! I know everything about Johto! EVERYTHING.

I had Pearl Mega Drain it until it was incapacitated. I whipped out a pokeball and prepared to catch the beast, but then memories of my childhood flooded in.

“Hey Purple! When I grow up I wanna go to Johto and catch a Sudowoodo and then leave because I hate the place and I am a stupid meany face and my butt smells like a grimer and I am a very small human being.” said my memory of Cyan, which has not become corrupted in any way.

Cyan wants this Sudowoodo. All the more reason to catch it. But then I had a better idea; I took the pokemon and planted it among the trees. He will never find it. Unless he can read. Cyan can't read, can he?

Catch You Later!

Purple Gitimall

P.S: Cyan if you are reading this, I need you to answer a question for me.

Trainer Andrew ♂, Johto Day 16: Things Fall Together

And the award for greatest plan ever goes to… Trainer Andrew ♂! 

See, I’m not sure if any of you caught this, but my last post wasn’t really what I was doing.  I never really sat in a boat in the middle of Lake of Rage, but I know somebody who thought I did: Mr. Psychic.  And I am happy to say that he now permanently resides in the body of a Gyarados.  It turns out that Mr. Psychic was stalking me by reading my posts!  That’s how he was able to always know where I was. 

For any of you who thought I was simply making poor life choices, I’m sorry, and I promise to never put up a fake post again. 

Here’s what happened:

I waited by the edge of the lake, vigilantly watching, for two straight days, hoping my plan would work.  It was just a few hours ago, and I had begun to grow weary of waiting for so long, but who do I spy but a figure in a black cloak creeping along the forest’s edge.  Laying down, perfectly silent, I watched as he stole a small boat that was resting in the water and slowly paddled out to the middle of the lake. 

He circled around the great body of water a few times, and I wondered if perhaps my plan might backfire and no Gyarados would attack him.  I had to think fast.  Motioning to Lickitung to come closer, I told her to fire a Hyper Beam into the water.  You see, as I learned from Lance, Gyarados are attracted to Hyper Beams.  Or weak to them, I’m not really sure.

You know, now that I think about it, why did Lance ever have a Gyarados?  I mean, he’s a dragon trainer, and Gyarados is clearly just some sort of flying water dweller.  That is odd. 

The attack hit right by Mr. Psychic’s boat, and within a second a large, scaly head rose out of the water and toppled the craft.  Though he was far out, I heard a lot of screaming and splashing, but then it became very silent. 

I would honestly tell the Jennys about this, but then I might have to get into the origin of it, and I don’t really feel like explaining why I cut a man’s hand off to law enforcement. 

Tired of being in hiding, I’m spending the night with a lovely little crazy person who lives near the lake.  He has some sick obsession with Magikarp size, and I’m worried it might be an innuendo of some sort.  But he’s harmless as far as I can tell.

It’s good to be free,
Trainer Andrew ♂

Cyan, Johto Day 16: I'm Back

Well, I decided it was improper of me to kill myself. Actually, ungentle manlike. So, instead, I’ve decided to go on a quest. This quest is not to be the best Pokemon Trainer (I already am) or to catch every Pokemon (please, who wants to do that?), but to murder someone. Well, actually someones. People I think they’re called.

During my stay in Cherrygrove, I have realized one thing: The elderly suck. No matter how many times I asked a guy to help me get some Pokeballs, he just kept showing me around the town! Also, I couldn’t go anywhere because he had me locked into his path! I don’t know how he did it! He must be a witch, or a Trainer Male or something Clefairy like that. Either way, I have town maps out the ass (well, not really maps. Here they use iPokeDexPhones that come with apps. They have one for everything!), that I don’t know what to do with! I started giving them away at first, but then someone gave me something for them. He called them Slowpoke tails, and then said he was part of Team Rocket and it was very important I kept them on my person. Then he turned into a Magikarp and jumped into the ocean.

Weird, eh?

Either way, I decided that it was time I  finally caught another Pokemon. I watched James Franco negotiate (burn the shit out of) a nice Poliwag and I threw a Pokeball at it on my way out of town. Later that day on the route, I found a HootHoot! Score! The bird and myself did epic battle, although in the end I was victorious. I accidentally stomped on it, crushing it’s wings and part of it’s foot. It was very easy to catch after that. I know what you’re thinking. “Cyan! How can you harm something so innocent and beautiful!?” That’s a good question Crystal, and I would like to tell you something.

You are wrong. You could not be more wrong. I mean, even if you were more wrong, you still could not be more so than you are right now. As every good-hearted Kantonian knows, the HootHoot was hiding weapons of mass destruction to use on Cerulean City. Therefore, in the name of my country, no. My HONOR, I had to crush it’s larynx.

I quickly arrived at Violet City, and demanded the little girl I met that she take me to the gym leader. She quickly informed me that she was not a tour guide, and I should look for the giant building saying Gym. How was I supposed to do this in the dark!? Even Peder couldn’t help me see! So, after a long thought out process, I decided to do what any trainer would do in this situation.

I tore off my clothes, and ran screaming the world “Falkner” throughout the Gym, challenging him to a Gym battle of nudity out in the wild.

He’ll come….

Cyan Gitors

Purple, Johto Day 15: The Tale Of How I Soft Reset My Adventure

I was released from the hospital today! The Nurse Joy eventually ran out of Burn Heals and said it should be safe to go. The joke is on her though, as the Burn Heals did nothing for the searing pain in my skin caused by the fire. Haha Nurse Joy, you suck at your job!

Eusine said that now that Suicune is awake we will have to traverse Johto in search of it. He said he will take to the west to search the islands while I start from our current position so I can work my way around Johto collecting badges so that we may check places where only ones who have earned the badges may go.

“But Eusine, I have the 8 badges of Kanto! And I am even Champion- I mean, you are even Champion!”

He grabbed up all of my badges and threw them in a small pond.

“WORHTLESS! ALL OF THEM! You even sold me a useless title! I shall forgive you though, as you are such a great disciple. Now go Purple! We must make haste!” Eusine said as he broke into a sprint.

Well I guess it's adventure time once again. I will make my way towards Violet City and bring Master Eusine's will a reality (or at least draw it so that it's partially true).

Catch You Later!

Purple Gitimall

Trainer Andrew ♂, Johto Day 14: What I Am Going To Do

After just escaping the clutches of Mr. Psychic, I shall now try to escape once again.  I will now take a boat and go out to the middle of the Lake of Rage, where I know I shall never be found.  Perhaps I will even hide under the water so that the only way I could be found would be to splash around and make a lot of noise, thus causing me to surface. 

Yes, were anybody chasing me, that is where I would be found.  The Lake of Rage.  It’s just north of Mahogany Town. 

Me.  Boat.  Hiding.

Trainer Andrew ♂

P.S. If anybody covered themselves in berries and then went to find me, that would probably make it a lot easier, because, you know, I love to eat berries.

Purple, Johto Day 13: The Tale Of How I Awakened 3 Thingamajigs

Searching the Burnt Tower turned out to be a successful failure. Let me tell you how:

Eusine and Morty stood by the entrance, not budging an inch, and complained about how their search was going nowhere. They suggested I search elsewhere as they felt bound to the locations they had chosen. Its this really weird phenomenon that seems to strike randomly called Neutral Positioning Condition (commonly referred to as NPC). These two upstanding citizens of justice had placed their livelihood in my hands! Oh Arceus I tripped, thank god livelihood is only a concept, otherwise it would have just broke.

So I continued onward, the tower not being too terribly large due to the fact most of it is, you know, non-existent, I met the back wall within the minute. Perplexed by not finding the legendary beast that had evaded my comrade's grasp for years immediately, I sat down and had a tantrum (Just kidding, I was having an apple sauce break). When that was done, I hopped to my feet and what a sight was to be seen: A Blue Koffing!

OHMAIGAWD!

I whipped out Koff Koff and ordered him to consume the discolored pokemon. I hear that these “Shiny Pokemon” (as the addicts refer to them as) are very rare and valuable. I couldn't allow a Koffing to exist that people would think is cooler than Koff Koff. Upon eating the Koffing, an act of magic happened! Koff Koff's wonderful 116,100,115 Purple gleam became a bitchin' 121,98,118 Purple! Arceus light shines upon my life!

In that moment of celebration, I had ignored the faultiness of the flooring I was standing on, and ended up falling through. My girth is pretty amazing, so I don't blame it for doing so. I hit the ground and passed out. I don't know what happened during the time I was unconscious, but I like to think that Garfunkel went to hang out with all the other Magmars here and they beat up Slowkingbro. Ah ha ha, good times, being passed out and all.

Upon awaking I was greeted by three lifeless statues of strange looking pokemon (Perhaps they're supposed to be Noctowls? I can't really tell...). I say lifeless, but upon bridging the distance between us, they released a fantastic display of red, yellow and blue, and the creatures started running about the room, displaying their magnificence for all (a few Raticates and I) to see. One of these creatures must be Suicune! I reached into my bag and threw a Special Suicune Capture Device (a pokeball with Eusine's name on it) at the creature I believed to be Suicune. Turns out it was Suicune's very angry brother, Firecune.

So here I am now, in a pokemon center bed, healing from my 3^rd degree burns. Eusine says that I had awakened Suicune (and her/his/its? Useless brothers/sisters/siblings?). Eusine is really proud of me, and said he would buy me an ice cream later!

Catch You Later!

Purple Gitimall

P.S: Yay ice cream!

Crystal, Johto Day 12: Tickling My First Week Or So

My week. Has been a long one. So. Here I am, out in the wild, without a weapon, shelter, or Poke'balls. I miss home already. HA! Sorry, I can't keep a straight face with that one. So far so good! Still no poke'balls to be found. A friend of mine told me that sometimes-stupid people drop random items on the ground. Hopefully I can come across a poke'ball or a can of Kingler meat. The only thing I could find was a stupid cave, and it's too dark to see in, so fuck that shit. When I decided to just go back home and BUY some poke'balls, I was tackled. At first, I wanted to whine and say "OUCH! That's not very nice!" No. Whoever did this, is a dirty Ditto fucker who deserves to DIE! I got up to see a Pokemon, a Larvitar to be exact. I just sighed and walked away. The poor thing must have trip...

BOOM!

"ALRIGHT, YOU LITTLE FUCKER! IT'S GO TIME!" I said, screaming at it ripping off my shirt. It was a long battle. One that lasted for days. I had no Pokemon to my name. Only myself and my deadly rage. The Larvitar knew it too. He/She could smell my inexperience. He laughed at it. It was that moment in time that I knew I had to have him/her. After a long battle to the death, I caught him into a head lock. The Larvitar spat in my eye. I threw across our battlement, looking him/her straight in the eye. It was the final showdown. We both knew it was down to this. We charged at each other with all out strength and threw the final blow. I was out for five hours. The Larvitar sat next my body, waiting for me. I had won...

We shook hands that day. An honorable Pokemon deserves an honorable name. Tickles,The honorable Pokeman!

So yeah..I'm in the Pokemon center, dressing my wounds, so Tickles and I will be up and about in ten minutes!

See ya soon!

~Crystal~

Trainer Andrew ♂, Johto Day 12: The Diary of Trainer Andrew ♂

I was going to write a blog post, but I thought it would just be easier to insert a page from my diary:

            I hope I am able to share all of my thoughts with you, as I have never truly shared my deepest, most personal thoughts.  Except for the fact that I say a lot of weird stuff on the internet for people to read, but with you there will be even deeper personal thoughts.  I wonder if I’ll ever put this on the internet.  That would be really defeating.  I mean, people aren’t supposed to read others’ diaries.  Even if it was just some little girl or something, those thoughts weren’t meant to be read.  Just putting it out there. 

                I’ll begin from the very instant I began writing in you.  See, Lickitung and myself are running from this crazy person named Mr. Psychic, who want me dead.  A long time ago, months even, I may have made my Pinser chop off his hand in some sort of drug-addled rage which has been blocked from my memory.  Oh, I also stole a whole backpack full of drugs from him and probably put him out of business.  You know, now that I say it out loud it kind of sounds like I’m the wrong-doer here.  But really he shouldn’t harbor such grudges against people, it’s unhealthy.

                The attic that we are in is not a very good place.  The one wall slopes in, following the top of the roof, and the other walls----  There is not a lot of room to move around, and if we feel like getting up and going about, we have to duck our heads to avoid bumping them.  At first we simply tried to spend most of our time in bed, but the shop keeper living below us said that we were creeping him out with our noise.  There is little to do the pass the time, and we cannot raise our voices, for fear of drawing attention. 

                When we are able to leave this place and run to another land, I think I should like to help pokémon there.  You see, I saved this Eevee from a cruel existence, and it was just really exciting to me; helping people, that is the greatest joy one can bring.  Maybe I’ve been wrong in the past by being so self-obsessed and into just my problems.  True happiness must lie in others.  How wonderful is it that nobody has to wait a single moment to improve the world. 

                Earlier today somebody came into the shop, and Lickitung and I had to cling up in the corner and be very quiet.  Each step and word were drowned out by the blood pumping through my ears, and we sat for many hours after the noise stopped.  But I cannot let this get me down.  There is so much beauty around you and be happy, diary, but many do not seek it. 

                In spite of everything, I must believe that people are good at heart.  I simply cannot make a foundation for my hopes on perplexity, sadness and death.

There is a noise downstairs.  I have to go, Trainer Andrew ♂

Trainer Andrew ♂, Johto Day 10: You Will Meet A Tall Dark Killer

It’s Mr. Psychic!  That’s the person who has been following me, an old drug dealer I once knew named Mr. Psychic!  On a side note, those two sentences were MUCH shorter than the several hours it took for me to tell Lickitung about who he was and what was going on.  She did not take too kindly to me OD-ing some girl (which I didn’t) and chopping a dealers hand off.  Though, I guess her response was better than I should have expected.  She really is very understanding in the way that she accommodates these kinds of things; they don’t just fly past her, but you get a real sense that she cares enough about me to see past it.  You know, I remember the first time I let her out of the pokéball, how the light caught her and I just had to think to myself, “Damn, I am one lucky trainer.”  Good times.  Good times.

That’s beside the point though. 

Somehow he managed to find me behind the Burnt Tower, but I had put Fearow on guard duty, in case of an emergency.  How does he keep finding out where I am!?  Fearow flew me onto a route heading east, and from there I hit the ground running.  While trying to pass through Mt. Mortar, we were jumped, and I engaged in fisticuffs with the assailant.  Luckily, he couldn’t overtake my amazing combat skills, and was just about to run in terror when Lickitung decided to be extra careful and jump him from behind.  I told her that it wasn’t necessary, although she probably just saved a man’s life from my dangerous round-house kick. 

As he was on the ground fighting, his mask fell off, and I could finally see that it was him, Mr. Psychic.  Grabbing Lickitung away, I sprinted off, leaving the groaning figure in the dust.  We came out of Mt. Mortar and kept heading down the route, straight into the heart of Mahogany Town.  Johto does have some very oddly named cities.  For the life of me I can’t figure out what they’re going for. 

There weren’t many places to hide there, but I managed to find a nice old man who would let me stay with him.  Weirdly enough though, he is just terrified that I go anywhere near his bookshelf.  It’s not a very impressive looking bookshelf, and one can see from a distance that all the books on it are dime-store garbage.  Anyway, I explained my situation to him, and he said that I could hide in his attic if I like.  “But not in the basement,” he said “because there isn’t one, so you can’t hide there.” 

I’ve been up here since then, having food snuck up to me by the kindly old man.  It’s rather cramped and not comfortable at all, but if it keeps that insane man away from us, I guess we can manage.

Try finding me now,
Trainer Andrew ♂

P.S. I’ve found just the most darling notebook in a corner up here.  I think I’ll use it as a diary, to help pass the time.