Gent Trainer Andrew ♂, Johto Day 30: A Whole Mess of Liars

These kids that come by seeking a guide are all brainless, wasted curds of flesh and bone who shouldn’t be allowed outside for fear of running into a Whiscash and insulting its intelligence.  Given the chance, I would be glad to slowly peel of their skin and stick shards of glass in their orifices.  Some kid today wouldn’t stop nibbling on his Hoothoot.  Pokémon are friends, not food!  Get that through your skull to the tiny bit of active nerve which, at this point, probably doesn’t do much besides hold your anus tight enough so that you don’t begin shitting yourself while having food ladled into your mouth.  Are 37^th trimester abortions legal yet?

Anyway, so Lickitung and Espeon went off to go do female things (I couldn’t care less), so I was stuck with Umbreon all day.  Neither of these little bastards ever wants to go into their pokéballs, so I’m stuck having to haul them around.  Espeon didn’t even want to leave me alone with Umbreon, like I can’t handle myself or something.  I made Lickitung lick the thing into paralysis and then forced her to take it away.  Good riddance.  It’s not like Umbreon is even so bad.  Eventually I stopped feeling on edge around him, and we were like two Magnemites in a Magneton (that metaphor sounds confused for some reason). 

Umbreon and I were doing some exploring up Route 30, where we found a Hoppip and I had him use Confuse Ray on it until it broke its own legs.  After that it was more like a Limpip (screw you, I’m hilarious).  Going deeper in, we managed to find this little cabin tucked deep in the woods.  Deciding to go in, we found this old guy named Mr. Pokémon.  I don’t have the best luck with people who are named Mr. so I was a little cautious. 

Umbreon sat on my lap while he greeted us and gave us food.  Too bad it tasted horrible, and I told him so after spitting it into one of his potted plants.  He laughed it off like the farting, ancient dustbin without enough gumption to hold an erection without a little boy around that he so clearly is, and asked if I wanted to see something interesting.  I should have just left right there because all he came back with was two glowing orbs, one red, one blue.  But when I wanted to hold one, he said that they weren’t for me.  Suck a chode you old pissdrinker.  I would leave my pubic hairs in your coffee, but you probably get off to that. 

I got up and went out immediately, unable to stand another second around that asshole.  He probably feels really special, being out here all alone, jerking off in his little cabin.  It’s doubtful he could even handle normal society. 

Somebody should teach this guy a lesson.

Well, now I’m sitting along the route writing this while Umbreon sits close by.  There’s a Ledybra a few yards over, so I’m debating how to break the bones of something with an exoskeleton.  Oh well, you know what they say: practice makes perfect.

In the name of science,
Gent Trainer Andrew ♂