I am Purple Gitimall, Champion of Kanto, and this is the story of how my friends and I lived and eventually died. That is not true in the slightest, as I
might be am still alive and kicking. The story I am actually about to tell you is my very own recollection of a grand event that I took part of. Now, this is the only place you will hear this story; My memory of this happening is the only one still in existence, as the people around me have all forgotten this incident that happened not all that long ago. If you hear it anywhere else you must detain them until a greater authority (AKA myself) can arrive to give them the mandatory punishment of getting barfed on by Koff Koff. Our tale begins with 3 of the 4 trainers who began their Pokemon journeys right here on this very blog....
It was a relaxing late morning, and I had just finished a bitchin' brunch cooked up by Trainer Andrew ♂ and his old lady (who happens to be a Lickitung (by “old lady” I mean his girlfriend/wife, I say it that way because I am a young, hip, rock n' rollin' dood (I am also too cool to spell dude properly))) while Cyan Gitors remained sprawled out on the grass where he was sleeping off what could be the biggest (and only) Berryjuice hangover ever. We had spent the last night having fun on One Island which the S.S. Anne had made a stop at before we arrived in Johto. As I prepared a prank involving the leftover pots directly over Cyan's face, a sudden gust kicked up and down from the sky flew a Dragonite who wore a helmet that resembled a certain copyrighted robot's head. The Dragonite landed smack dab in our camp site and it started eating everything.
After calming its almost insatiable hunger, by feeding it the most beautiful Magikarp I ever saw that Trainer Andrew ♂ was carrying around. He said something about “how glad [he was] that even the mentally incapable can be useful in today’s society”. Once the Dragonite had been fed, its helmet started to glow and a hologram beam fired down upon our feet. The hologram produced an image of a girl in a long red dress and a funny hat (she had a nice ass, just in case you were wondering) who spoke this message:
“Help me YOUR NAME HERE, you're my only hope. So you better bloody hurry up and come help me! Thank you, and we hope to see you again soon!”
We were able to figure out that the hologram was actually an invite to New New Island where a special gathering for elite pokemon trainers was being held. I WONDER WHY THEY INVITED CYAN AND TRAINER ANDREW ♂ THEN, BA-ZING!
Then by some miracle known as “the passing of time”, we ended up in a pokemon center and it was night. There was some blue lady telling us that we had to stay there because the world's most terrible storm was raging outside, but because she was a lame non-pokemon trainer we ignored her and hoped in the water and swam away. An Officer Jenny tried to go after us, but the blue lady stopped her as she believed that “this is just another challenge for [us], as [we] are Pokemon Trainers”. Old people rule when they can't remember what they actually want.
Eventually we got washed up on the beach and we knew ourselves ready for the challenge ahead... that is if we were on the correct island; We were pushed back to where we started, and frankly we were on the verge of giving up and eating Trainer Andrew ♂, but then we were saved by a passing Viking ship with multiple Seels nailed to it. It was kinda risque, but we hitched a ride anyway (the worst thing that could happen is that we die after all).
After hours of rough difficult travel (the crew attacked us and tried to steal Pikachu, which is stupid because I already evolved Missile into a Raichu), we arrived on New New Island where we were greeted by the same lady who was in the hologram! It turns out she exists in the real world!
“My Master bids you welcome to New New Island. Would you hurry up and bloody present your invitation.” said the lady.
“Hi Pink!” I barked with sexual indifference (I do not understand what that means).
“My name is Nurse Pink Joy McQueen, and I would respect if you would refer to me as such, you bloody wanker! Let's get a move on, you don't want to upset Uncle Gio, I mean Master. Yes, my master is not my Uncle Gio.” the lady who is not Pink but happens to have an Uncle named Gio as well yelled and then mumbled.
Amongst her mumblings, she apparently forgot about the invitation because she led us up to a massive door, which opened with no visible assistance upon our arrival (if it was supposed to impress me, it didn't. Every door in Kanto opens automatically when I walk into it) to reveal a grand hall.
“All trainers here have been deemed worthy of my Master's presence. Please join your competition at the table, my master will be present shortly.”
We had a seat at the table and our “competition” tried to introduce themselves, but luckily Cyan, Trainer Andrew ♂, and I used our collective conscious to render the “competition” unconscious (BA-DUM-TISH). And by “collective conscious”, I mean I punched one in the face and yelled “FOOD FIGHT”, which is part of this highly advanced coded language we came up with last night over the finest glass of darkened Miltank juice I had ever had. While Trainer Andrew ♂ and I hid our targets behind the fountain, Cyan released several of his pokemon and had them consume the body. That is a totally normal thing to do.
Just then the door opened again, and a 10 year old boy walked in with several unevolved pokemon including a Pikachu he almost violently was caressing, and told us of the joys of friendship and his dream to become a pokemon master. Before we could set up our collective conscious (find a blunt object to hit him with), a beam of light shot down from the spiraling staircase at the end of the room, and down floated a Pokemon like no other I had ever seen (Trainer Andrew ♂ and I agreed on calling it “Holy Fuck, what is that?”, while Cyan thought it looked more like a John).
“Yes, the World's Greatest Pokemon Trainer is also the World's Greatest Pokemon: This is Mewtwo.”
Chapter 2: Muutao, teih strongiest pokeseman
“I am Mewtwo, the most powerful anything to ever everything, and welcome to my home New New Island! It is over 40% newer! I am afraid to inform you , but I no longer require your assistance Nurse Pink Joy McQueen.” said the creature known as Mewtwo with a flick of his hand, which brought NPJMQ to her knees revealing her long pink hair (just like Pink's hair!). “I abducted this girl for the information on Pokemon physiology that the Nurse Joy half of her mind contained, also she was the only female who was readily available for kidnapping.” The genderless being stopped talking and averted its gaze towards its feet as it was trying to remember something, and with a wiggle of its nose a piece of paper flew towards him which he began to read from: “I am Mewtwo, and I will rule the world with my Psychic fist of Greatness! Sorry, I can never recall that part, kind of silly actually, seeing as I am smart enough to perform psycho kinetic powers, yet can not learn more than 4 lines of dialogue at once.”
After a long, not awkward in the slightest silence, he started to detail just how fucking cool he was and how he planned to conquer the world and bring about the genocide of all humans and their pokemon because the scientists who cloned him from the pokemon Mew (who is all Legendary and shit) were uncreative assholes who couldn't come up with a better name than “Mewtwo”.
Purple: Hey Mewtwo, if you are Mew's clone, why is Mew the 151st pokemon in the pokedex, with you being the 150th?
(A note to the readers: I am trying to mix up the blog a bit and trying something new by doing quotes in a script style. Does that help? No? No. Well, you could have at least humored me a little. Jerks.)
“WE DO NOT SPEAK ABOUT THAT!” the voice of Mewtwo echoed through the hall as he transported us onto a large battlefield. “Here your Pokemon shall do battle against my cloned pokemon.” and with that a large panel opened revealing a Venusaur, a Blastoise, and a Charizard who sported these spiffy tribal markings AND THEN I WAS KILLED just kidding, that comes later.
We were each to fight one, so we drew a few straws, flipped a few coins, and held a Geodude-Scizor tournament (you can't use paper because there isn't a pokemon equivalent to it) which decided the order we would fight and whom; This was kind of funny because as we performed this great exhibition of democracy, the cloned Pokemon killed a good number of the annoying kid's Pokemon.
The first match would be Trainer Andrew ♂ versus the Number 87 the Venusaur Clone (87? More like STUPID7 HAHAHA). Trainer Andrew ♂ had his love strut her stuff out onto the battlefield (I think he is trying to make Cyan and me jealous and it was working) and began the battle with a simple HOLY SHIT A FUCKING HYPERBEAM. Pretty standard stuff really. The Venusaur didn't seem to like getting hit with the copious amounts of throbbing energy and started Powerwhipping Mrs. Tung. After a little while of abuse Trainer Andrew ♂ ran out onto the battlefield and started taking the hits for her (oh ho ho, he is so getting some of dat Tung tonight (or he would of if anybody actually remembered this happening)). Amidst this move of absolute chivalry, Trainer Andrew ♂ managed to slip her a FULL RESTORE and a TM that contained the move Flamethrower (I didn't know you could teach your pokemon a move during battle, but if Trainer Andrew ♂ thinks it is okay then it must be cool), which burned the clone alive.
Next was Cyan, he was to face the Mini-Me the Blastoise (who was in fact, fucking giant). Cyan bitched the whole time because he wanted to fight the Charizard clone with his own, but not even Cyan could fight the cogs of democracy. Dodrio was Cyan's pokemon of choice and I could see why: the deranged birds started Drill Pecking holes into the shell of the Blastoise, ripping out important looking organs in the process but the clone thought quickly; It began to Rapid Spin, which with Cyan's Dodrio's heads still lodged into its shell, caused them to get spun into the ground as high speeds. Cyan didn't give up hope as he started screaming at the Dodrio, which apparently means “use Tri-Attack” in Cyanese. The Blastoise Clone was able to shrug off the fire and ice parts of the Tri-Attack, but the electric beam fried its shell and with the internal bleeding it already suffered, brought another win for our team.
Finally it was my turn, I would fight Cueburt the Charizard Clone (this is a good name, and I have nothing bad to say about it). I sent out Koff Koff and had him do what he does best: Puke on everything. And so, everything was covered in puke, including Charizard's tail, which went out, but it turns out that the clone had been modified so that instead of dying when it's tail went out (cheating bastards) it would get very angry. It grabbed up Koff Koff and flew into the air, and started performing a circle in the sky.
“Oh no it's going to use Seismic Toss.” said Trainer Andrew ♂.
“Is that bad?” I inquired.
“Not really, only if you mind your pokemon dying is all.”
So I might be in trouble, I can never really understand what Trainer Andrew ♂'s words mean. Luckily though I didn't have to worry, as Koff Koff slipped free of the Charizard's grasp right before he started his decent, and remained safe floating in the sky, while the Charizard pummeled to earth, where it had it's neck broken on impact. Nurse Pink Joy McQueen was running back and forth trying to treat the injured clones while Mewtwo looked down upon us with a face of absolute disgust.
“How could this happen? Clones are far superior to the originals! I will not have this tomfoolery continue any longer!” And in saying this an army of black pokeballs appeared and started hunting down all of our pokemon.
I would go into detail, but lets just say hilarity ensued as we ran around trying to stop our pokemon from being stolen from us. It was quite funny to be honest. So let me just say, that somehow I ended up alone in some tunnel while trying to get my pokemon back. While I wandered about I found some recordings, of which I'll put here instead of telling you about the boring tunnels I fought my way through:
"...Hello, this is Pink McQu---Joy, it's April 16th. I'm recording what goes on this morning as I find whenever I wake up, I have no memory of the day before. Sometimes I have segments but nothing enough to explain why I'm here and what Uncle Gio's Pokémon does to me to make me forget. I know it's not amnesia as there's no dark descent in my mind when it happens and it only raises special defense, it does nothing to my memory whatsoever. So I am left with recording this morning event. Oh damn, he's coming.
…
Who are you talking to, Pink?
Just a little Kecleon I found here.
I see. Well Pink, you know what time it is. I need your… services. Now come close to me, let's not make this more difficult than it has to be.
Please don’t do it! Just stay away! I don't want to… arghghgghhghbhbghbghghghghghghghg!!
Nurse Pink, are you ready to work?
Of course, Master. Master is precious. I must serve the Master always."
Right about here was were I murdered that Machoke with my bare hands, it was really hard core. Oh sorry, I interrupted the recordings:
"…Hello, it's Nurse Pink Joy McQueen. The name still seems weird to me. I wish I could get these bad NURSE nice genes away from NICE, it's all nice, not nice, bloody nice, why is it nice? I HATE THE NICENESS! GET OUT OF MY MIND!!!!!
You are shouting, Pink.
I… not again, please not again. If this is some test, I passed! See, the Nurse Joys can die for I all care and I care so much and they are nice. So nice. Mind is bad. Ok, so this is why. You want me as a pet so I won't go crazy. I understand. But at least explain to me what you are doing to me!
Hush Pink, hush. It's time for work.
Argghghghghghghg!!!!!
Welcome Nurse Pink, it's this way. I believe we will need more test subjects once this batch are dealt with and you'll have to monitor those we've got until I attract more. My plan is coming along nicely.
Of course, Master."
Then I found this giant machine and started breaking with the lazar sword I told you guys about. I cut it to pieces:
"I don't know how much time I've got, but I need a plan. If only I had long hair, I could let it down out of the window to the outdoors and a charming trainer could climb up it and rescue me from this dungeon. At least the Kecleon likes me. Wherever it is. He's here again. Always at this time. I try to get up earlier but I never do. Please help me. If you're listening to me, release me from this prison! I don't want to serve anymore. He's coming.
Pink, stand where you are. I need something from you.
You want my Dragonite? Leave her alone. She's not your property.
I can take her now or I shall take her after I have finished with you.
Here you go then, look after her. Bye R2D2. Bye.
Good, now come here.
Does it have to hurt so much?
I will try to be gentle.
Arggh.
There, all done. It didn't hurt so much, did it?
Of course not, Master. It is always my pleasure to serve you."
And with that, I had freed all of our captured pokemon but accidentally released the clones in the process. You win some, you lose some, I suppose. Taking the pokemon I freed, we marched back up to the battlefield where Mewtwo had met up with his Clone army.
“Fool. You wish to fight me? It will end up the same as last time! E-Except this time I kick your ass, rather than the other way around. So, nothing like last time to be honest. YOU SHALL KNOW PAIN”
But while Mewtwo was talking, I ran up and tried to punch him. He flung me into the air with his mind magic. I do not know why I attempted that, but I regret nothing. Before I could hit the wall though, a magic bubble cushioned the throw and just a little bit saved my life. The bubble had been created by none other than Mew. Mewtwo and Mew faced each other and Mewtwo ranted on about “destiny” or some stupid shit and Mew said something about “the hearts of pokemon” and some other anti-war, hippie, flower power messages and then Mewtwo called its mother a whore and started blasting Psychomagicballs at Mew and Mew returned the favor, beginning the Clone Wars.
The war was gruesome and I could swear I heard an acoustic guitar off in the distance. Every pokemon was fighting its clone (rather than seeking out ones that it would hold a type advantage over) and it wasn't going so well. Two Fearows flew through the sky, looking for a place to nest. Cyan's Wang Chung and its Hitmonlee clone compared shoe sizes. King Steven Bradley aka Captain McFunRuiner and another Slowkingbro stood of to a side and discussed the possibilities that would open up to pokemon if they were to present their findings on the effect of savage pokemon attacks on humans to the scientific community. A Machamp arm wrestled another Machamp. Trainer Andrew ♂ stood drooling among two Lickitungs who were making out in front of him. A pair of Dugtrio and Dodrio were all tangled together in a horrible mess of pokemon. Bluescreen stood aside his clone, and the Missingno.s shifted the world around them, sparks flew, sirens went off, and eventually they both exploded, although I am sure it is fine (Bluescreen is actually dead, Arceus bless his soul (if it had one)). That one kid's Pikachu sat there crying as its clone zapped it repeatedly. Nurse Pink Joy McQueen (who I suspect might be related to Pink) was sat in a chair while two Chanseys tried to get her to accept the drinks they were holding (she eventually drank both to stop their arguing). Koff Koff and his clone stared at each other doing nothing. While all that was happening, two Psyducks slapped each other in the corner, it was pretty funny, good comic relief for such a terrifyingly violent war that I just described.
Mew and Mewtwo wove in and out of the large mechanical windmills that filled New New Island's barren landscape, firing their Psychomagicballs at one another. Their battle was truly lack luster in comparison to the awesome fights I just told you about, but what are you going to do, those Legendary guys always think they're cool enough to be able to get away with simple battles. Amongst their fighting, Mewtwo and Mew fired off a large blast of energy, colliding in the missile in an attempt to push the other beam back onto its origin, unfortunately though Koff Koff got caught up in the blast, TURNING KOFF KOFF INTO STONE.
My best friend in the world, gone. Everything I had worked for, gone. I was alone in the world (please ignore my other pokemon, I am being melodramatic for emphasis). I didn't think I could go on anymore, and contemplated offing myself then and there.
“POKEMON WEREN'T MEANT TO FIGHT LIKE THIS!” I screamed to the heavens.
And then we discussed this concept thoroughly and decided that fighting was a bad thing to do after 18 minutes of talking.
And then we all cried because the moral we just learned was really sad and stuff and the death of my Weezing affected everyone greatly, and it turns out with all the magic in the air, our tears had become magic and floated towards Koff Koff and brought him back to life. Hooray!
And then that one annoying kid ran out onto the battlefield and started screaming about how “pokemon are friends, and that we shouldn't force them to fight”.
“OH MY GOD, WE FUCKING GET IT” cried Mewtwo as he blasted the child, turning him into stone just as Koff Koff had been. Turns out we were out of magic tears though, a shame really.
Mewtwo then went on about some lesson that he had learned and told us we should cherish everything we learned today, but he used psychic to fly off with all of the cloned pokemon where he would spend the rest of his days secluded with them and made everybody forget everything we learned today in the process and transported us back to the S.S. Anne.
Everybody except me, I remember everything perfectly. I believe I remember everything so well because of my intelligence was so high that I became immune to Mewtwo's mind erasing powers. Yup, I am a fucking genius. Well I suppose that puts an end to my tale, I hope you enjoyed it. Whats that? You want to know what any of that had to do with my death? Well, when I was flung against the wall, the bubble didn't protect my head so my head bumped the wall. It really hurt and it probably killed me. Probably. I have to go now, gotta prepare myself for Johto and all. I suppose I'll...
Catch You Later!
Champion Purple Gitimall
